Thursday, August 13, 2015

Dissecting the Sonic Showdown: Tails v. Jet

So, if you're following Sonic's official Twitter page (which, in all honesty, you should be. It's like the dankest thing ever), you'll notice they're doing a thing where they figure out what the best character is.
My favorite comment response to this is the eloquently written: "does the loser get retconned out of existence?", followed immediately by the even more delightfully put: "CATCH ME IF U CAN FGT".
The whole thing is basically a Superbowl bracket of Sonic characters. To those of you who don't know what a "Superbowl" or a "bracket" is, consider yourself lucky.
The first round involves a showdown between Miles "Tails" Prower and Jet the Hawk (?). I decided that I would break down which should win, but let's be fair, it's pretty obvious.


It is first worth noting that Jet the Hawk more or less looks like the demon child of Sonic the hedgehog and a mutated duck with the bulbonic plague. Heck, with a few masterful touches, he basically BECOMES Sonic the Hedgehog.
See? It's perfect, you can't even tell.
It's also worth noting that one of the few attributes of him found on the Sonic Wiki is:
"...Jet is very arrogant and prideful about his Extreme Gear skills."
Now, I'm not gonna act like I'm half-intelligent enough to tell you whatever the heck "Extreme Gear 'skills'" are, but that's not saying too much. 
What I DO know, though, is that Tails has an actual page on Wikipedia, so if that's not proof of superiority, than I don't know what is.
Look, I get the whole point of the competition is that it will start as a cakewalk, but for the love of God, they could've at least thrown us something a bit more difficult. I mean, why not "Jet" v. "Big the Cat" or something equally as difficult? Don't throw us a bone, Sega, do I look like a dog to you? Yes? Shut up.

I'm basically going to be posting these everyday. You know, short, meaningless articles until the bracket is done and the winner's revealed. Think of it as proof that I'm not actually dead right now.

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