Saturday, June 6, 2015

Identifying Fake Paintings in AC:NL

I have a confession.
I love Animal Crossing:New Leaf, save the fact that I hardly ever play it.
The game is absolutely perfect in practically every sense imaginable, but for some reason, my mind thinks with such a tangential scope that I can't seem to focus on one single th-OH LOOK A SHOE!
Being a pretty big art buff, I love the fact that the game finally chose to make the counterfeit paintings that Crazy Redd sells easier to tell apart. So, for the heck of it, here's a look at all of the paintings that can be counterfeits and the way to tell them apart, because for some reason I decided it would be a good idea even though I'm willing to bet I was completely wrong.
(To Bidoof Crossing: Sorry for stealing all your images. I'm too lazy to take my own.)

Part I: The Boring Ones
The first few to bring up are the ones that are exceptionally boring. This can mean flipping an image as well as a variety of bogus changes that make it fairly uninteresting and uninspired. (IT ALSO MEANS THAT EFFING B-TARD FOOLED ME LIKE 20 TIMES BECAUSE IT PRACTICALLY LOOKS THE EXACT SAME. EFF YOU REDD, I HOPE YOU DIE IN A GASOLINE FIRE.)
For example, the one on the left is simply flipped. I also bought one of them, so I pray to the gods of Animal Crossing that Redd steps in a puddle with his socks on for proper vengeance because that guy's gotta pay. Seriously.

Part II: The Noticeable Differences
Whilst still noticeably uninspired, these are the images where you can at least spot the difference. This is only a trap for the uncultured swine who can't tell a Vermeer from a Velazquez. This includes the Vermeer on the right trying orange (7.8/10 -The Dutch Times c. 1665), another Vermeer of a maid without a bonnet (7.8/10 "Still Not Pulling it Off" -The Dutch Times c. 1658), and an ancient Japanese statuette (fittingly named "Ancient Statue because talent) giving his best "resting b**** face" for a lack of better terminology.

Part III: The Others
These, the best ones, are those whom have such fake features that even a transvestite Wario could sniff out. Seriously, I have no idea what's going on with that picture.
Such changes can range from UFOS to astonishingly sassy Gainsboroughs.
To make up for a lack of information, here's a top three of the best ones which thrive in this particularly beautiful category.

3. Sharaku's Scary Painting is Out Looking for Booty

While evidently not as scary as the title implies, the fake's combination of the actor's ghastly, pale face and his fingers pointing, implying he's in search of some serious booty, does little to put the viewer at ease. In tandem with his 2-foot V-neck, he looks even more like a menace to both fashion and society. Speaking of which, he looks awfully similar to this totally legit wanted poster I found a couple of years ago which is 100% totally not made on Microsoft Paint.
To be completely fair, though, the original version's jazz hands weren't too much less discomforting either.

2. The "Great Statue" Embracing '90s Rap Culture
The statue, lovingly referred to as the "Kamekameha Statue" in Hawaii, while earning seond place on this miniature list earns first place in greatest statue title in the history of ever. Yes, Hawaiians, I get that it refers to the great "Kamekameha I", but hot dang, that's quite the name.
Moving on, he usually has his hand facing upwards, but in the fake version, his hand is straight-up facing down. Leading archaeologists have come up with a handful of reasons as to why such a strange mix-up has occurred. Here are their professional opinions as found in a totally legit file somewhere in Area 51:
-"Looks like some kind of ancient Pacific hokey-pokey ritual." -Dr. Lame-O, Esq.
-"He's to fabulous to have it any other way." -Mr. Guy "Please Stop Making Fun of my Name" Junior, Sr.
-"Homie's straight up gangster. Case closed, Holmes." -Professer Swaggerlicious "Swaggy" IXIXIXIIIIC
1. I Want the Serene Painting on My Wall Right Now
(Note that this is not the exact image but is virtually the same but with a fluffy, white cat. Also note that it is equally as amazing.)
Legitimately one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in a video game, the "Serene Paining" replaces an ugly, white ermine with a completely mandatory cat.
If you can't see how amazing this is, then you don't deserve to live.
Here's a list of reasons why the idea is completely brilliant:
-Supports funding of medicare websites
-LOL JK it's just a cat
One day I will legitimately hire somebody to paint me this image so I can proudly put it above my hypothetical fireplace because the painting is a gift to share with the rest of the world.

One final note: Interviews are coming! Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, I still have to figure it out, but I've got 'em ready to post.

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