Thursday, May 28, 2015

How to Write Fanfiction

FIRST! Some much-needed updates!
Interviews! Oh, BEAUTIFUL interviews! Great people! Wonderful people! COMING SOON!
Also, remember that idea about having someone talk about their first video? Yeah, THAT's coming!
Sorry for having as much consistency as month-old cottage cheese, but the school year's ending, and stuff's flying all over the place, so deal with it.
With all that out of the way..., FANFICTION! Whether a showcase of your artistry or a painfully long excuse to have your favorite characters do the deed, it's very....... existent.
Why does it exist? I do not know. I'm not a good guesser. ($500 to whoever gets this joke.) Still, everybody seems to love it. It seems as if every suburban housewife on this side of the Earth had their own coveted copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh yeah, and did you know that it's a trilogy? IT'S A FREAKING TRILOGY. IT'S LITERALLY TWILIGHT FANFICTION.
If that schmut sells, than hot dang, you'll next novella on Sonic and Tails' rendezvous in bed will sell like hotcakes!
What's that? You can't even English? Don't worry! You and countless other 4-35 year-olds can't either, and it's not holding them back! You don't gotta know you're their's and they're's apart if you can tell the difference between a flogger and a lollygag! (Sorry, Mom.)
But wait! Zip back up your pants, you scoundrel! You don't even know the basics! We've got some territory to cover before you paint the town blue!
First, let's examine some types of fanfiction so you can figure out what works best for your artistic finesse:
Shared Universe Fanfiction
The most basic kind of fanfiction goes by the painfully self-explanatory name of "Shared Universe Fanfiction". Basically, you take two random characters and put them together. Here's a delightful, hand-written example from someone who has clearly never written fanfiction before but wants to look more cultured although his career will probably take a steady decline into becoming that weird guy online who rights about video game characters twisting and shouting.
Sonic waited in-line at the hotel. It was a dark night. The moon was bright with the vibrance of a thousand stars. Sonic sat by the window, cigarette balanced in his mouth his eyes reflecting the aforementioned full moon which for some reason is important. He didn't know what he was doing there. In fact, it was all a set-up for a painfully atrocious yet unexpected meet-up, and much to the expectations of the reader, it happened.
The doors creaked open behind him. "Room-a for a-two-a," Sonic heard. His ears perked up at the sound of a raspy, Italian voice. "Name, please?" said the person at the front desk. With a seductive glance towards Sonic, he whispered, "Mario and whoever wants to bunk-a with a-me."
Sonic turned his head. Mario stared straight at him. Their eyes met. They knew, at that very moment, that sparks would fly, and their lives would never be the same.

Wasn't that as sexy as a French dame in a silent movie circa 1925?  Of course, for more authenticity, try to mispell as many words as humanly possible for more dramatic effect because, let's face it, people who write fanfic usually have the typing capacity of Helen Keller. (Too soon?) For example, here is what a fragment of the above piece would actually look like if written with the aforementioned precision:
Sonci weighted in lien at teh holet it wuz a dark knighte. the Mewn was brite wtih teh vibrens ov a tousand starz
and so on, but I digress.

Real Person Fanfiction
Another relatively simple form of fanfiction, RPF involves injecting a real-world person into fanfiction, because you just can't have enough of Sonic and Eminem. It's like a power couple. #EminemandSonic2k15Bros4Lyfe
I'm pretty sure that's it. Also, if you want to get a little crazy, you can mash this with slash, but we'll get there in a little bit. Trust me, that stuff's a mess.
Here's another example:
Knuckles was wondering around. Boy got  a sweet joint makin' dat smoke fly like a real pimp. He be wandering down dat alleyway when he hears a voice. At first he thought it was a hallucination telling him to drop the joint like it was hot, but he ran straight into some guy. It was Snoop Dog, pimpest pimp to ever pimp the land. 
And dat's it. Nothing else happened. They exchanged looks and kept going. 
Cool cool. Obviously, you can do a lot more, but I think you get the picture. Also, it's surprisingly hard to sound hip nowadays.
Alternate Universe Fanfiction
Ever wondered what happened after Super Mario Bros? Mario took control of Mushroom Kingdom after defeating Bowser, launched a mass genocide and founded the USSMK, where he ruled with an iron fist, killing all heirs to the throne.
Okay, so that definitely didn't happen, but what if it did? Now you can make it happen! Maybe in another universe, Mario died out after Mario 3D on the PS1 while Super Bubsy Galaxy became the bestselling game on the Sega 3DGamegear! Who knows? You do! It can also be as simple as swapping out a video game character for another one and seeing what happens. Or, even better, reimagine a future where instead of saving the day, Mario fails to kill Bowser!
The once colorful Mushroom Kingdom was now a gigantic block of asphalt and concrete. Toads lined up, chains around their arms and ankles. Yoshis were sentenced to slave labor on Piranha Plant plantations, whip scars covering their backs, their saddle exchanged for straitjackets even though that would mean they wouldn't be able to function on farms properly, but whatever. The once-hero, Mario, betrayed the land he once lovingly patrolled. All that was left of Mario was  beggar, selling fake Rollexes from a box in the middle of the street, bottle of moonshine tucked between his legs. 
Well that was the saddest, most abysmal thing I've ever written.
Slash Fiction
Lastly, the most infamous type of fanfiction, Slash Fiction. Take two characters and force them together. The whole thing's gonna be steamier than a laundromat in Chinatown, and trust me, that's pretty steamy.
You can also mesh it with pretty much every other genre. For example, you can combine Slash with Real Person, which is surprisingly popular among the 1D community to a level I can only identify as discomforting to all involved. Another popular choice is Slash with Shared Universe, so you can finally recount the "adventures" of the Hero of Hyrule and the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom in Link's Sexual Awakening, which, now that I think about it, probably exists.
Concerned about character development and the general plot? DON'T BE. Slash is best compared to a rollercoaster: if you make it too flat, it's gonna suck, but if you make it a complete, well, rollercoaster of emotions, it will be physically painful, though I'm willing to wager that a melodramatic rendition of "50 Shades of Blue" would be freaking awesome. Heck, I'll do it right now.
"Sonic, I'm not sure about this," Tails said. "I.... I'm not ready." "Don't worry," said Sonic, "''cuz I am." Sonic took of his gloves. Tails' brow started to sweat. "Sonic, I know we're friends, but for Christ's sake, I'm like twelve years old or something. Technically, I'm way older, but video game characters don't age for some reason, so yeah, I'm essentially twelve. I think." "I don't care how old you are, you hunky mutated squirrel," whispered Sonic, "You're old enough for me." "I don't even get the point of this! We don't even have.. uh, you-know-whats! We literally can't!" "Oh yeah?" asked Sonic, "Try telling that to the Internet." 
At this point, Sonic would've undressed, except for the fact that he's always technically naked, so no further foreplay could follow. He just kind of laid down on the bed. "Paint me like one of your French girls, Tails." whispered Sonic. "That doesn't even make SENSE! We exist in a different universe! Titanic isn't even a thing!"  Tails said."This is fanfiction, idiot," responded Sonic, "Canon is essentially a sin. Just.... just play along, okay?" Sonic grew impatient. "Look, Sonic, I'm not even  into you. We've never even been on a date! All we do is run around all day. Like, seriously, that's all we do. It's literally our occupation!" Tails responded. Sonic leaned in. "I don't do dates. I f$ck. Hard." "That is LITERALLY a line from Fifty Shades of Grey. You're not even trying anymore. Sonic, I want you to know that I like you as a friend. I don't know what you're on, but for the love of all that is holy, please stop." "C'mon, Tails, my butt's wide open." Sonic said, rolling his eyes and smirking. "Wait a minute. How do you even KNOW that line comes from Fifty Shades of Grey?" Sonic asked. Tails started to sweat. "That's irrelevant. Uh.... uh.... how do YOU know, huh?!" "Amy forced me to read it. B%^%$ was crazy. Now come on, you fluffy hunk, and conquer me!" 
At this point, the writer decided to take a cop-out and wussed out of what would have become the Citizen Kane of terrible fanfiction. He decided to leave it standing for what it was instead of top perfection, but actually because he knew he would have a lot of explaining to do in the case that his parents found out what had become of his life, even though it should be completely evident that the whole article was an elaborate piece of satire and a tongue-in-cheek joke at the expense of the fanfiction community. He decided to also mention that if this has inspired anybody, first of all what is wrong with you? and second of all send an email to me at, and yes, I actually did just make that.
Lastly, new stuff is coming. He swears.