Thursday, May 28, 2015

How to Write Fanfiction

FIRST! Some much-needed updates!
Interviews! Oh, BEAUTIFUL interviews! Great people! Wonderful people! COMING SOON!
Also, remember that idea about having someone talk about their first video? Yeah, THAT's coming!
Sorry for having as much consistency as month-old cottage cheese, but the school year's ending, and stuff's flying all over the place, so deal with it.
With all that out of the way..., FANFICTION! Whether a showcase of your artistry or a painfully long excuse to have your favorite characters do the deed, it's very....... existent.
Why does it exist? I do not know. I'm not a good guesser. ($500 to whoever gets this joke.) Still, everybody seems to love it. It seems as if every suburban housewife on this side of the Earth had their own coveted copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. Oh yeah, and did you know that it's a trilogy? IT'S A FREAKING TRILOGY. IT'S LITERALLY TWILIGHT FANFICTION.
If that schmut sells, than hot dang, you'll next novella on Sonic and Tails' rendezvous in bed will sell like hotcakes!
What's that? You can't even English? Don't worry! You and countless other 4-35 year-olds can't either, and it's not holding them back! You don't gotta know you're their's and they're's apart if you can tell the difference between a flogger and a lollygag! (Sorry, Mom.)
But wait! Zip back up your pants, you scoundrel! You don't even know the basics! We've got some territory to cover before you paint the town blue!
First, let's examine some types of fanfiction so you can figure out what works best for your artistic finesse:
Shared Universe Fanfiction
The most basic kind of fanfiction goes by the painfully self-explanatory name of "Shared Universe Fanfiction". Basically, you take two random characters and put them together. Here's a delightful, hand-written example from someone who has clearly never written fanfiction before but wants to look more cultured although his career will probably take a steady decline into becoming that weird guy online who rights about video game characters twisting and shouting.
Sonic waited in-line at the hotel. It was a dark night. The moon was bright with the vibrance of a thousand stars. Sonic sat by the window, cigarette balanced in his mouth his eyes reflecting the aforementioned full moon which for some reason is important. He didn't know what he was doing there. In fact, it was all a set-up for a painfully atrocious yet unexpected meet-up, and much to the expectations of the reader, it happened.
The doors creaked open behind him. "Room-a for a-two-a," Sonic heard. His ears perked up at the sound of a raspy, Italian voice. "Name, please?" said the person at the front desk. With a seductive glance towards Sonic, he whispered, "Mario and whoever wants to bunk-a with a-me."
Sonic turned his head. Mario stared straight at him. Their eyes met. They knew, at that very moment, that sparks would fly, and their lives would never be the same.

Wasn't that as sexy as a French dame in a silent movie circa 1925?  Of course, for more authenticity, try to mispell as many words as humanly possible for more dramatic effect because, let's face it, people who write fanfic usually have the typing capacity of Helen Keller. (Too soon?) For example, here is what a fragment of the above piece would actually look like if written with the aforementioned precision:
Sonci weighted in lien at teh holet it wuz a dark knighte. the Mewn was brite wtih teh vibrens ov a tousand starz
and so on, but I digress.