Thursday, February 26, 2015

What, It's Over? The 12 Worst Boss Fights in Gaming History

If you've played video games, you've fought bosses. Some have been easy (jump on him a bunch of times!), and some of them have been hard as iron balls. Sometimes, we've thought "Wow, that was easy!", but have you ever stared at the TV screen baffled when the REAL final boss will come out but he never does? Yeah, we're gonna talk about some of those guys.
12. The Naval Piranha, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
Your first impression might be something along the lines of "Matthew, you're an effing idiot! This isn't a hard boss, but he ain't a cakewalk! Why should we listen to any of the crap that you say?" First of all, ouch. That digs deep. You just drilled a hole to China into my stomach.
Secondly, while the boss is pretty standard, there's a nifty little trick to finish it much, much faster.
BEFORE you walk into the boss room, stand on the smallest part of the edge of the platform where the bossfight takes place. Ready for the fight? Trust me, it's one of the most intense fights to ever happen in a video game. My brow is sweating just thinking about it; it's like Niagara Falls plastered above my eyes. You take an egg and fire it at the not-quite fully-grown piranha and POOF, he's dead as a doorknob.
What then ensues is a very socked Kamek flying in, proclaiming "OH, MY!!!", then flying away, most likely butthurt that he was given the short end of the stick. The guy probably made popcorn for the battle, and you ruined his entertainment, you prick. (Then again, how he's entertained by the Mushroom Kingdom's most annoying baby is baffling to all of us.)
11. Mysterio in Spiderman 2 
I've never played a Spiderman game. I've never seen a Spiderman movie. With all of that being said, I apologize to any people who are offended by my poor knowledge on the subject and, as a sidenote, to paraphrase William Shatner in his infamous SNL monologue, "Get a life!"
Anyway, at some point, you encounter some guy called Mysterio. He's, uh, he's got a golden bowling ball for a head or something. I mean, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised considering the whole basis of Spiderman is some guy being bitten by a radioactive spider in a spandex suit, but I digress. Before you fight Mysterio, he/she/it/bowling-balls-might-not-have-genders has an opening scene where he says some stuff, and then his health bar goes through the works: it fills up, fills up again, fills up again, etc. Gamers must've been shaking in their seats. The time came. The cutscene ends. You run towards Mysterio. WHat should you do? You start with a simple punch. Wow! It worked! He goes falling down. Now, ready for his second form? Any second now...... Oh. Nope, he's dead. I guess you could say you..... got a strike out? The guy's just a big turkey if you ask me. He doesn't even have another life to spare. BOWLING JOKES OLOLOLOLOLOL

10. "Sorry, I'm Dead" from Monster Party
What is there to say about Monster Party that hasn't been said? I mean, I would give you the whole story, but you probably already know enough about it. Instead, I'll go talk about some of the bosses because, you know, that's the point of this list.
The bosses in monster party are about as insane as the game itself. None of them make any sense. The most famous is probably the tempura shrimp. Kill him, and he becomes an onion ring. Kill him, and he becomes a shish kabob. Man, that's some nerve-wracking stuff right there if you ask me. There's also the classic Pumpkin Ghost: stating a weak "Please don't pick on me," he immediately jumps all over the place and kills you in two seconds flat.
Of course, the one in question is Sorry, I'm Dead. In the first level, after a while, you'll enter a room with walls of ground beef and a mutated king crab in the middle of the room. A text box will pop up saying "Sorry, I'm Dead". Immediately, you expect the thing to go and choke you to death like Pumpkin Ghost, but no, that's it. He doesn't do anything. Grab the question mark and keep on shoving along. There's nothing to see here, just an Alaskan King Crab sprawled out on the floor.
9. Lamp from Mother
Mother is one of the most beloved RPG series in the US, and that is most likely from its surreal sense of humor and wholly unorthodox take on the RPG genre. This guy, right here, is the first boss in the entire series. Geez, Itoi, you're just getting the message across as soon as possible, aren't you?
Not only is Lamp the first boss in the series, but he's also the first enemy. Mother ain't effing around- it wants you to know what you just bought from the second you turn on your Famicom. Upon entering Ninten's house, you are automatically attacked by a possessed lamp. Yes, that's all there is to it. Give him a couple of hits and BAM, he's dead. Okay, so he's not necessarily pathetic, but come on! It's a demonic lamp that's trying to kill you. It's like if a a ghost invaded IKEA and the first thing it decided to possess was a nice ALÄNG or, God forbid, an ÅSELE. Oh, the terror! Prepare to die in the hands of mass-produced Swedish furniture!
All joking aside, that's why Earthbound and Mother are so lovingly talked about; they are so surreal that they can never be dated until, you know, the lamp invasion of 2150. Trust me, folks, it's coming. 21K+50. Mark it on the calenders.
8. Albedo from Xenosaga II
Again, I know very little about this game. I tried to read the Wiki page on him, but alas, it was packed with exposition like a club sandwich of boredom. So, I'll try to keep this brief.
Albedo is the main antagonist of the game. He's also a real scumbag, which is best noticed by his boss battle in Xenosaga II.
He makes his dramatic entrance in his Liberace cape, sneers some stuff at you, and then it's on. Oh God, this is the moment you've been training for your whole life. What should you do?! MY GOD, WHAT SHOULD YOU oh wait he's easy.
The guy's a huge prick. If you fail to kill him, he'll just mock you and restore your health. He breaks you down, fixes you, and breaks you down again. Christ, this guy is a d*ck if I've ever seen one. I mean, it's enough that he has to beat you senseless, but then he HEALS you only to continue to screw you over? He's like an elementary school bully who thrusts your head in the toilet, hurls you back up, gingerly blow-dries your hair, and then shoves you down a toilet again. It's just cruel.

7. Wall: The Boss Fight from Adventure Island
Adventure Island was a semi-popular video game series published by Hudson Soft beginning on 1986, which is when this beauty came out for the Famicom in Japan, or 1988 in the US. You star as the hula skirt and cap-donning Master Higgins and his journey to rescue Princess Leilani. However, there's a catch: Higgins is a foodie. If there ain't enough food to shove up his belly, he gives up. He's essentially the human equivalent of foie gras: just keep feeding him.
Anyway, sometime in the adventure, Master Hungry-Hungry-Higgins will encounter a boss. Not just any boss, though. It's a knob embedded into the wall.
Yes, I need you to take a deep breath and slow your heart rate. You can close this window right now if you need to; it's pretty intense.
So, what do you do? Throw stuff at it until it dies. It's one of those "Really?" moments in gaming. I mean, can you imagine how much creativity went into designing this? The folks at Hudson Soft were running around like crazy, papers flying everywhere like an Orewellian dystopia, and then somebody just said, "Yeah, how 'bout we make the boss a freaking wall?" Problem solved. The guy probably got a raise. Good for him.
6. "The Boss" from The Incredible Hulk
When you think of incredible superheroes, who do you think of? Spiderman. Batman. Superman. And, of course, the Green Giant.
Wait, sorry. I meant the Incredible Hulk. Eh, they're the same thing anyway. I imagine that after the Hulk saves the universe, he goes to some photo shoots for green bean packaging. I digress, however.
In The Incredible Hulk, the final boss is called "The Boss". Yes, there isn't even a bottom of a barrel to scratch from. Hulk struts over to him with the most swagger-tastic walk cycle in gaming, delivers a light jab, and the guy goes flying. Level Complete. You just beat the game.
Okay, let me just point out some fatal errors with this. Namely, one. Why would the final boss of the game be standing around, right next to an edge? It's like the AI was programmed by a five-year old, or even myself! His logic is amazingly etiquette and his placement is impeccable. Also, might I add that his glorious fall is rivaling that of Olympic athletes. It's a perfect ten.
5. Cloud N' Candy from Yoshi's Story
Cloud N' Candy is a classic easy boss. In Yoshi's Story, in world 3-1, after ascending a series of cloud conveyor belts, you'll reach a strange boss. I mean, just look at that menacing face. Slenderman looks creepier, and he's literally a mannequin with no face at all.
He bounces around, and you kill him by eating him. Yes, eating him. Having a hard time? Don't worry! Licking him will simultaneously make him shrink AND heal you! It's like a Billie Mays commercial. "Not only is it easy to beat, but wait, there's more! It can heal you while you kill it! It truly does the double duty that most other brands can't!"
To be fair, Yoshi's Story is a fun and easy game to play through, but this guy didn't even try. He isn't even trying to look tough! He's just bouncing around, smiling like an idiot, waiting for Yoshi to slowly devour him. What a sad life he must live.

4. Bob the Killer Goldfish from Earthworm Jim II
When I started preparing this list I knew straight from the get-go that Bob the Killer Goldfish would be on it. I mean, really? The first boss you encounter is a Goldfish. With sweaty palms, you walk towards the bowl. Oh my God, something's gonna pop out and kill you! Any minute now..... Nope. He's dead. The greatest part of the whole battle is the dramatic buildup: a dramatic cutscene ensues and a Mortal Kombat style "FIGHT!" is announced on the screen. Your sweaty hands were shaking. You slowly walk up to Bob. Then, you eat him. Congrats, you did it. Granted, the boss is a joke and a parody of melodramatic video game bosses, but he's still the most famous joke boss in gaming and he's the stepping stone of the many which followed.
3. Ganon from The Legend of Zelda: The Faces of Evil
 Now, we make a transition from a joke boss to a joke game. Oh wait, are you telling me that he Legend of Zelda CD-i games weren't a joke? Oh, well that's just pathetic.
The Faces of Evil, regardless of if you've ever played it, is one of the most memorable Legend of Zelda games, but for all the wrong reasons. Link is a complete idiot ("Oh boy, I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorok!"), Zelda is a condescending jerk, and Ganon is, well, I have no effing idea. He's, uh, he's something....?
The final boss fight is so epic. Following an amazing cutscene, it's time for a mind-blowing showdown. It only takes ten seconds, but it's amazing. Just kidding, it sucks.
Ganon goes all out, firing some magic at you. While this would normally seem intimidating, you soon realize that by simply holding up your shield, the magic dissipates and makes the most pathetic "dinks". His attacks are almost as miserable as Ganon himself; you kill him by TRAPPING HIM IN A BOOK. It's not enough that Ganon looks like a pile of garbage, but he's equally as atrocious.
Congratulations! You are win! Now you can wonder what happened to the five hours of your life that you could've spent bettering society, not to mention that you paid hundreds of bucks to play it. It's a lose-lose from every angle you look at it.
2. The AI in Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing
If you've ever read a list of the top 100 worst games in video games, you can expect Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing to steal the show. It's a pitiful and fine example of shovelware, and regardless of what angle you look at it from, it's terrible. Even this lovely image doesn't do enough justice.
So you start the game and get ready for your first race. Three. Two. One. Go! Whatever thrill you might have quickly turns into hilarity as your "opponents" are stuck in place.
Whatever genius programmed this game miraculously overlooked something that is pretty big. The opponents can't move. Completing the race is somehow even less rewarding, and that's a milestone considering that the game musters up a pitiful "You're Winner" as you cross the finish line.
Noticing their mistake, the company quickly patched it up. Finally, the trucks could move!....... Kind of. You know what it does? It makes them glide along at a smooth one mile per hour.
Seriously! I can't believe this game exists. How did it even come into fruition, let alone past the testing stage? Did nobody notice that the game was about as well-composed as a Jenga Tower halfway through the game? The game manages to make M&M's Kart Racing look like a freaking masterpiece, and that's essentially impossible. But hey, at least that game WORKS! If you own this game, please burn it with fire thoroughly and dispose of it in a massive landfill in Chernobyl so that nobody will ever find it.
1. Negative Man in Mother 3
We have already established that the Mother series is bizarre but if there's one boss that can top a dysfunctional semi-truck, goldfish, and possessed lamp, it's Negative Man.
Perhaps the most memorable boss in Mother 3, you'll encounter a crying yellow block in Argilla Pass. On the odd occasion that he attacks, he inflicts one damage. All the while, he cries and shouts out philosophy that would make even the worst pessimist wince. "Life is but a meaningless grain of sand." he sobs. I mean, I almost feel bad for killing him. He's a block of cheddar who spends his time sobbing in the corner of a cave. How much more pathetic can you get?
Sometimes when you kill him, he drops yams. I don't know why I'm writing that here, but yams are funny, right? No? Okay then.

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