Friday, February 27, 2015

Tumblr Repost: The Two Times Thongs Appeared in Your Favorite Video Games

Okay, so here's a little rundown of what the heck this actually is.
Long-term readers will now that about half a year ago, I started a Tumblr.
It was a complete failure.
The sad thing is that I thought it could be a success. Considering that it is much more current than the essentially obsolete Blogger I've been using for about one and a half years, I was under the impression that it would be noticed by more people, and Christ, it didn't do anything. I don't know how Tumblr works, but I'm under the impression that my page was either broken or buried under a heap of food, porn, and food porn. (HAHA, SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!)
Even so, I feel like some ideas I had up there could eventually find a way here. Apparently, there was some way to link accounts together, and I thought "Hey, maybe this could be used to make a sort of community!" I mean, I have a fair amount of people with which I have contacts, so I thought it would be pretty sweet but alas, that didn't do crud either.
Anyway, I decided that to keep things churning, I would repost the stuff I worked on as "Tumblr Exclusives" and I'm under the fair assumption that 99.9999999% of you will have not already seen it. 
This was the first post I made for the Tumblr on August 30th, 2014. For some reason, I decided "Hey! Let's make a post about underwear!" Thirty minutes later, a mediocre post was born. It's not bad, but I hate it and I don't know why. Probably because it doesn't look good with the rest of my stuff. I tried a new format, but it didn't work because (A) this was the first post and (B) I have no idea what crap I ended up publishing. In addition, I'm under the fair impression that everybody already knows all this stuff, so the post is essentially worthless. Regardless, here it is: one of my worst posts for the general public to taunt me with.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

What, It's Over? The 12 Worst Boss Fights in Gaming History

If you've played video games, you've fought bosses. Some have been easy (jump on him a bunch of times!), and some of them have been hard as iron balls. Sometimes, we've thought "Wow, that was easy!", but have you ever stared at the TV screen baffled when the REAL final boss will come out but he never does? Yeah, we're gonna talk about some of those guys.
12. The Naval Piranha, Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island
Your first impression might be something along the lines of "Matthew, you're an effing idiot! This isn't a hard boss, but he ain't a cakewalk! Why should we listen to any of the crap that you say?" First of all, ouch. That digs deep. You just drilled a hole to China into my stomach.
Secondly, while the boss is pretty standard, there's a nifty little trick to finish it much, much faster.
BEFORE you walk into the boss room, stand on the smallest part of the edge of the platform where the bossfight takes place. Ready for the fight? Trust me, it's one of the most intense fights to ever happen in a video game. My brow is sweating just thinking about it; it's like Niagara Falls plastered above my eyes. You take an egg and fire it at the not-quite fully-grown piranha and POOF, he's dead as a doorknob.
What then ensues is a very socked Kamek flying in, proclaiming "OH, MY!!!", then flying away, most likely butthurt that he was given the short end of the stick. The guy probably made popcorn for the battle, and you ruined his entertainment, you prick. (Then again, how he's entertained by the Mushroom Kingdom's most annoying baby is baffling to all of us.)
11. Mysterio in Spiderman 2 
I've never played a Spiderman game. I've never seen a Spiderman movie. With all of that being said, I apologize to any people who are offended by my poor knowledge on the subject and, as a sidenote, to paraphrase William Shatner in his infamous SNL monologue, "Get a life!"
Anyway, at some point, you encounter some guy called Mysterio. He's, uh, he's got a golden bowling ball for a head or something. I mean, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised considering the whole basis of Spiderman is some guy being bitten by a radioactive spider in a spandex suit, but I digress. Before you fight Mysterio, he/she/it/bowling-balls-might-not-have-genders has an opening scene where he says some stuff, and then his health bar goes through the works: it fills up, fills up again, fills up again, etc. Gamers must've been shaking in their seats. The time came. The cutscene ends. You run towards Mysterio. WHat should you do? You start with a simple punch. Wow! It worked! He goes falling down. Now, ready for his second form? Any second now...... Oh. Nope, he's dead. I guess you could say you..... got a strike out? The guy's just a big turkey if you ask me. He doesn't even have another life to spare. BOWLING JOKES OLOLOLOLOLOL

Saturday, February 7, 2015

That's My 2 Cents: Two Bizarre Coca-Cola Games

A while back, I started a Tumblr, and it was one of the biggest let-downs I've ever had. I put time into the posts, but it didn't really have any prescence. I thought it would widen the audience, but if anything, it was a funnel that blasted some hard work into a garbage disposal. Maybe I'll return one day, but probably not anytime soon.
Anyway, my second post was in regards to Pepsi video games, a bizarre mess of advergames. While such games have been present throughout all of gaming history, most notably with games such as Cool Spot, they (for the most part) were garbage. Even in the hands of some acclaimed companies, most of them didn't work out. Regardless, Pepsi's competitor, Coke, also released a baffling onslaught of video games, among them the two we'll be talking about today.
Pepsi Invaders: The Baffling Back-Handed Slap
Back in the heydays of gaming, pretty much anybody could make a game. In fact, that's a reason for the complete overabundance of advergames. It was a commerical battlefield, with everybody from Kool-Aid to Purina Dog Chow (yes, seriously.) duking it out. Needless to say, there weren't any winners. Among the few was Pepsi Invaders.
The game is infamously rare, considering it was handed out exclusively at a 1983 sales convention. It also appears to be suffering a severe identity crisis, considering they didn't slap their name on anything. It was more of a subtle, subliminal message-driven game, which didn't really work out. Maybe it's the fact that "Pepsi" is plastered all over the effing screen. To whoever decided this was a good idea: you didn't get a raise this time, did you?
The game is a direct ripoff of Space Invaders, replacing those pesky aliens with floating letters, because why the heck not? It's nothing special, really; the only reason it's infamous is its rarity. It can pick up a pretty penny on eBay.... like a diamond-encrusted, polished penny made of gold.
Coca-Cola Kid: Too Rad for Pepsi!
A decade later came the Sega Genesis, the beloved competitor of the overall-wearing Nintendo. Among their greatest achievements were Sonic the Hedgehog, Alex Kidd, and Coca-Cola Kid. What, don't remember that one? Of course you don't, and don't you dare nod along like you know this crap, 'cuz you're a liar and a traitor.
Like the games I talked of on the Pepsi installment, this little gem never left the Eastern coast. While that may seem weird considering that Coke is perhaps the most famous US beverage, but when Japan gets their dirty hands on anything American, they'll grab it and never let it go like a hobo with some Midnight Chardonnay.
The game features perhaps the raddest, most hippest kiddo off the stereotypical, American block. This kid's got it all: the unbuttoned shirt to showcase his minimal f*ck-giving, a rad skateboard, and the classic sideways douche-hat. You gotta have the douche-hat or you're doing it wrong.
The game takes the form of a sidescrolling beat-em-up where you kick those Pepsi-loving jerks to kingdom come. Of course, you collect Coke along the way to soothe your health bar, but that's a given. You need that nectar to survive, baby, or you're already dead.*
*Sorry to all the guys offended by being called "baby"
Surprisingly, it's a whole lot better than Pepsi Invaders. Then again, it's not that hard to beat. It looks good, it plays good, and it just checks out, which is pretty surprising for an advergame. Then again (again!), this was the golden age of product placement, a time where games were treated as games instead of shameless cash-ins. Let me just take a moment to address the elephant in the room. What kind of downward spiral do you have to tumble down to go from the likes of Cool Spot to M&M's Racing? Think about it. (Also, how the heck did this effing elephant get in my room?!)

Thanks for reading. For those who have been visiting a lot, thanks a lot! I appreciate it! It means so much that over 3500 people have come to a blog written on an obsolete, unused website. Hopefully, I'll be able to pick up some pace. An interview may be coming up, and I may be getting some people to talk about their first video. Remember when I talked about that two months ago? Sure you do.