Monday, January 19, 2015

Cream a la Crap: The Five Great Games That Mystified The Internet in 2014

Another year has come and gone. 2014 was, admittedly, a rough year for everyone. We've heard enough about how terrible the world is, so let's instead talk about gaming in 2014, and if journalists seem to have unanimously agreed on something, it's that 2014 sucked so hard. You really just have to look up "2014 sucked for gaming" and thousands of results will come up, all stating almost the exact same; games were overhyped, broken beyond repair, delayed, etc. not to mention the abundance of problems on the Internet, namely the spilled gravy boat known as Gamergate. There were also some weird problems; Tomodachi life, a cute little life simulator, came under fire for not allowing gay/lesbian relationships, a problem that Nintendo never truly tackled in the first place.
Aside from the abundance of great releases, such as ORAS, Super Smash Bros, and Captain Toad, there have been some more..... notable ones. Several odd games caught the Internet's attention, turning them instantly famous (for, typically, a few weeks). Here's the five most notable ones, with a complimentary order of sass courtesy myself.
Flappy Bird: The Precursor of Disappointment
 Technically, Flappy Bird was released in the early years of 2013, but it didn't catch much steam until February, when everything fell apart.
"I cannot take this anymore", complained Nguyễn Hà Đông. He simply could not stand the $50,000 paycheck shipped right to his door. Oh, I'm sorry, the "sleep deprivation" and "death threats". This guy is the spitting image of Phil Fish.
Within 24 hours, the game was off the app store. People freaked out. Ebay was flooded with lots full of electronics containing Flappy Bird for upwards of $150. 
Was the game worth all the hoopla? In short, no.
The game was made to be difficult, a task that isn't even fulfilled. By appealing to casual gamers, it forges a fake difficulty that one has to suck at to face. It only appealed to people's short-tempered rage instead of using any real, cheap difficulty. It was pathetic, stupid, and idiotic. It was a game where talent was praised when there wasn't even any true talent needed to begin with. The game required patience and/or extreme boredom to play, and that's not how a real game should be constructed.
In fact, Nguyễn came under fire, not only for his game but for the cancellation. It was less of a real complaint and more a publicity stunt, as he wrung out the money from the unfortunate rag known as the iTune store, let alone the fact that he uncancelled it a few months later to continue his dickish Scrooge Mcduck-ing. 


Octodad: A Romp Through a Dysfunctional Fatherhood
Admittedly, Octodad is the best game on this list, but not by much.
The whole game revolves around the gimmick of you playing an octopus disguised as  a regular person off on the rocky adventure known as fatherhood. How nobody managed to notice the presence of a spastic sea-creature is unknown to me, but I assume that everybody is a special kind of idiot. 
The saddest part is how the Internet embraced it as a deity among indie games. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't suck as much balls as some of the other games on the list, but to call it an indie classic is an insult to all of indie gaming. The title is nowhere near the same levels as Cave Story, Gunman Clive, or Mutant Mudds. All it has is an octopus that is as hard as a boulder to control as he flops around like a fish out of water. Oh wait.
Goat Simulator: A Reminder that the Internet is Doomed
Oh boy. If you haven't heard of this beauty, you might just be deaf.
Goat Simulator has its own place in gaming hell, reserved with some plush, velvet cushioning. Once again, it's not a real game as much as a pile of garbage to be gifted to casual gamers. It tries to an unbearable extent to be funny, but it's not. The only thing funny is how anybody even wanted this game in the first place. It's a broken mess. Herein lies my biggest peeve with Goat Simulator.
You can't make a game purposely bad just to be funny. Glitches are a source of unbearable humor, and that stems from the unlikely nature and their absurdity in a game that tries to be perfect. Goat Simulator was intentionally manufactured to be a broken mess, and when glitches are used as the main selling point of a game, it's simply not funny. Glitches are supposed to suspend our belief of how a game functions or give us a humorous distraction, but Goat Simulator is essentially displaying a clogged toilet on a golden pedestal of monotony. 
Five Nights at Freddy's: A "Horror" Story
Once again, a game has been praised to an unbelievable extent in spite of its blatant stupidity. Look, I get that it's a unique experience, but the entire game is a cheaply difficult sack of vomit; people think it's mortifying without even looking at it closely. 
There is no real challenge. The game is downright unforgiving and cheap. You are hired to work at a dilapidated Chuck E Cheese's and have to stay there for five nights and survive being ambushed by a series of insane animatronics. I ask this question as sincerely as possible: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT EFFING MIND WOULD WANT TO DO THAT?! Answer: millions of people who bought it and praised it. The game is difficult, and you feel rewarded for completing it, but that's all it has. Its only purpose is to make you feel like you accomplish something (while simultaneously soiling a few pairs of pants), but why not play a game that is actually good to get your pride? 
Oh yeah, and they made a sequel. Surprise, it's practically the same thing but with more make-up. Look, I respect making something innovative (even though I just beat up on the game), but makig a sequel which adds nothing new just to make more bank? That's just cruel.
Meme Run: The Dankest Piece of Crap Known to Man
With all its dank glory, Meme Run is an unexcusable joke aiming its infinitely-grotesque Lenny faces at all of Internet culture. 
Rejected from the eShop half a dozen times, Nintendo gave up and gave the game a place, and for your hard-earned cash, you can buy a golden turd. Sure, it may look golden, but it is literally a piece of crap covered in gold leaf. Who would buy that?
Lots of people, apparently, most of which claim to be playing it "ironically". To quote Nightfury Treann over at KYM, "Imagine playing it unironically". Instead of a painfully ugly pile of garbage, you find one that is somehow even worse. 

The game capitalizes by selfishly taking money from Internet enthusiasts and giving them a bag of loose ends. As I previously stated, the game is a complete joke, making fun of the entirety of Internet culture, which is not only an insult to myself, but an insult to all of humanity.

Here's to hoping that 2015 won't be as riddled with garbage as 2014.

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