Monday, July 21, 2014

Guide to Japan: Fast Food

Fast food. Around the world, McDonald's, Taco Bells, Wendy's, Domino's...... Chains sell millions of food everyday from the US to Japan, but some items never made it to the usual market. Some items were made only for their designated countries, and today, I am here to explore some of the greatest fast food you can only find in Japan.

To start off your large meal, try the MacMango Fizz, MacFizz Blue Lemonade(?), or MacFizz Passion Orange. Hungry for fries? Try the "Mega Potato" size, popular in Japan for "potato parties" in which people gather at a party with a table full of french fries and NOTHING ELSE. Geez Japan, you cray-cray.
Obviously, though, you're gonna need more than just a drink and a bucketful of fries, so try the Shrimp Fireo, a burger with a patty made of deep-fried shrimp. Or maybe a burger with meat sauce that may or may not have been regurgitated from a cat. (Judging by the appearance, we really don't want to know.) If you want to prove your burliness, try the Quarter Pounder with habanero and tomato and hope that your tongue doesn't spontaneously get engulfed in flames. Maybe you wanna try the BLT
with mozzarella or bacon lettuce burger, but obviously don't forget the Teriyaki Mac.
What if the jet lag messes with your head, though? Say you wake up at 2:00 in the morning with the craving for pancakes? Not to fear, fro McDonald's offers the Petit pain cake or ridiculously adorable Oekaki Happy Hotcake, with icing syringes to draw an adorable face on. I mean seriously, if that isn't the most effing cute pancake you've ever seen.
To wrap up your meal, get a dessert of a melon-flavored MacShake. Because everything in Japan has a melon-flavored variant.

Domino's Pizza
Maybe you want to bring your friends out for some pizza, who knows? If you do, we wholeheartedly recommend trying the Mayo Jaga pizza topped with Japanese mayonnaise, which is known to be a lot sweeter than US mayo. Perhaps you should try the Camembert Mille-Feuille Shrimp pizza with Camembert cheese topped with shrimp, tomato, and broccoli. It also comes with the option of a basil sauce-base in place of the typical tomato sauce.
You could also try the BBQ Garlic Chicken pizza, fairly self-explanatory but scientifically proven to keep both vampires and your girlfriend away. What about Goryeo Galbi topped with beef ribs and
paprika? Maybe the Avocado Shrimp with pancetta, shrimp, tomato, and a mayonnaise-avocado sauce? Perhaps the artesian Basil Shrimp on flatbread with basil and pamodoro sauce?
Of course, the best option for only the most gnarly of men is Lasagna Pizza, lovingly smashing two Italian classics into a pizza oven.

Fun fact: KFC is a Japanese tradition. For Christmas. Orders are placed months ahead, and lines stretch out the door for that finger-licking flavor.
Of course, maybe little anecdotes aren't your thing. Well, suck it or suck this Red Curry Twister wrap sandwich, either way. Maybe get an onigiri rice ball with soy sauce flavor to wash down your shame, and stuff a sweet and spicy soy sauce-flavored chicken sandwich.

Who doesn't know this classic Eastern fast food restaraunt? Everybody, but that won't stop me from mentioning their Attack on Titans-inspired MEGA BURGER. I mean just LOOK at that thing. It's a freaking mutant burger among all the others.

Dunkin' Donuts
While China may have Dry Pork and Seaweed donuts, it can't possibly compete with Japan's Mochi Ring Donuts. Seriously, a ring of mochi? Sign. Me. Effing. Up. Whoever invented this was a genius. It defies Beyonce's logic; if you like it, you don't just put a ring on it, you make a ring OUT OF IT. My mind is blown.

Starbuck's Coffee
Black Sesame Green Tea Frappuccino.
That's it.
What? You want more information?! You know it's amazing, and that's all there is to it.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Guide to Japan: Candy

First, let me take this moment to point out that I have FINALLY reached 2000 views. This is amazing. When I started this blog, I was excite about getting one or two views a week, but dangit guys, I love you so much. Here's to another thousand views.
Anyway, I'm back!....... And then I'll be gone for two weeks...... But compromises must be made! I'll be going to Tokyo on Tuesday, so I might not be able to update the blog as frequently. However, I'll try to use the Twitter, so use of that is most appreciated.
Now go follow me.
I have a minute.
Okay, fine.
Anyway, because I'll be in Tokyo, I seriously have to at least make a sequel to my first Guide to Japan post. So, I'm doing that.
(Geez, couldn't be more frank with that, could you?)
So, one of the most interesting things about Tokyo is, well, the city, buildings, culture, video games........ and, of course, candy! Some awesome, some strange, some, err, baffling? So I compiled a list of ridiculously strange and amazing sweets right off the shelves of a Japanese 7/11.

Popin' Cookin' Sushi
This isn't just sushi. It's freaking CANDY sushi.
Considering that sushi is essentially Japan's pride and joy, and I mean who doesn't love sushi, they decided to make a box containing the ingredients to a delightful platter of sour sushi candy, complete with seaweed and fish roe! So cute!

Ramune Tube Bubble Gum
 Just as the mystery of the Stonehenge baffles archaeologists, this Japanese tube of bubble game baffles everybody. How did it form? Who made it? What purpose does it serve? It is truly one of the many wonders of the world.
In all seriousness though, I don't even know what to think of this. Japan, if you want us to take you guys seriously, then WHY DO YOU DO THIS?! It's one of the most ridiculous things I've seen today and I effing LOVE it.

Fuwarinka Rose Gum
Yet another curiosity is this rose gum. It gained notoriety due to its strange health benefits, such as making your manly sweat smell like flowers. Only the most manly men can possibly handle such manliness as the cascading scent of floral arrangements. It ain't for no wusses and weaklings.

Candy Bento Box
Is feel there is some strange imbalance between weirdness and adorableness in Japanese candy. On one hand you have gum that's essentially toothpaste, then there's like a complete 360 and there's candy bento boxes. I just can't. It's as adorable as two kittens frolicking through a field of flowers chasing their tails, and if you get beyond that, I'm pretty sure you enter oblivion.

Kanro Colored Pencil Candy
Going along with the list of Japanese candy with weird themes are colored pencil candies which, let's face it, look more like crystals stolen from the natural history museum. They come in all the classic flavors, such as lime, lemon, green apple, grape, uh... mango, and........... cranberry......? Well sure Japan, that's completely normal..... WHO THE HECK COMES UP WITH THESE?!
Tomato Caramel
I remember a time where I thought that bacon soda was weird, but Jesus, Japan, you keep besting everything else. Sure, why not just throw some Heinz on with that? Couldn't possibly make it weirder, could you?
Hmph. Thought not.

Unchi-kun Lucky Poop Candy
Well, this candy's a piece of crap. Literally.
The Japanese factories just keep pushing out new ideas, and they all seem pretty sTURDy.
Okay, I'll stop.
Japan has always had this weird love of adorable feces; games like the classic WTF game Toilet Kids, where the protagonist is launched into a different dimension by the power of a toilet and fights some enemies that unfortunately aren't made of chocolate. It's almost a deity in Japan, and who wouldn't love poop if it was this freaking adorable in real life? He's even smiling for Christ's sake!

Kani Pan
What started as a simple Google searc became a trap of manga and anime, but somehow I managed to escape alive with a picture.
Kani Pan is a piece of bread shaped like a crab.
That's it. Literally. I wasted hours and hours* searching for a singular picture of a piece of bread.
*Two minutes

Caplico is basically freeze-dried ice cream in a cone; strawberry on the outside, chocolate on the inside. Surrprisingly, it tastes like ice cream. Shocker, right? Just take a few minutes to let that sink in.
You good?

Supitol Tongkat Ali Gum for Men
What?! You say that rose gum ain't manly enough for you?! Well this gum is for only the most manly men! It makes athletes shrivel in despair! It takes musclemen, and kicks them into a wormhole! You still ain't impressed?! Well this stuff makes your ding-a-ling as strong as steel! FREAKING STEEL!*

*It actually is said to enlarge penis size. Pfft. Nonsense.

Echizen Kurage Cookies
Made by students at the Obama Fisheries High School, this strange treat utilizes Echizen Kurage, a type of jellyfish that weighs 440 pounds and is 6 feet long. Because, you know, I always want jellyfish in my food; it adds flavor. Duh!

Genghis Khan Caramel
Genghis Khan. A hero, a gallant warrior in Chinese and Mongolian history and arguably one of the most important figures in Eastern history.
Naturally, we honor him with caramel candies, but not just any caramel. No, that would be folish and disrespectful. How about lamb-flavored caramel? Sure, that's not weird at all!

Chocolate Squid
No, this is not chocolate shaped like squid. It isn't squid-flavored chocolate. It's chocolate-covered squid. Yes, there is actual SQUID in there. *shudders

Anyway, I will push myself to post another part of the "Guide to Japan" series tomorrow, maybe even two, who knows? Also, there's no time for an interview, unfortunately, so maybe two or three in September? After all, it IS my birthday on the 11th, so maybe some miracles may happen? #WishfulThinking

Tuesday, July 1, 2014


Hey all. Sorry that I've been terrible at operating this blog. I'm still alive, I'm 69% sure. (Aw, grow up.)
Hopefully I will get back to making stuff soon. As for an interview..... I still have no idea. Maybe I'll just do TWO next month.