Sunday, June 8, 2014

Personal List: Twenty Disturbing Games That Shouldn't Exist.

We're gamers. Why else are you on this blog? The reasons are a) you like video games or b) you are being held by a mad psychopath and forced to read this. If the latter is true, you're psychopath has good taste. (canned laughter)Anyway, there are games we love and games we hate. But these games.... I don't even know how to classify them other than disturbing and sick. Unfortunately, there are many such games that fall into that criteria; here are twenty that should cease to exist.
20. Custer's Revenge
Oh yes. Custer's Revenge.
In 1982, the gaming company Mystique decided to make a game, with complete historical accuracy might I add, about General Custer. Naturally, having done a lot of research, they reached the conclusion that he was a crazed rapist  with a boner about as long as a flagpole.
Often considered the original "controversial game", it was definitely one of, if not the first games to feature, umm, rape. Keep in mind that this was also for a whopping $49.95. The old days, man; anything passed.
Basically, you control our "hero", General Custer. The gameplay is simple; go across the screen dodging arrows to heroically rescue a Native American woman and resume to, umm, do it. May I also take this moment to mention that her cleavage is bigger than her face. Realism.
One of the best parts, though, is the back of the packaging, which reads:
"If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are just dancing."
Yes, this was the Atari, and their sex is less than appealing and hardly even recognizable, but the fact that the producers thought the perverts who bought this game had kids? Clearly, Mystique's understanding of the gaming community was about as strong as my thumb.... It's not strong.
19. Boon-Ga Boon-Ga
Hey look! It's our first Japan game! Who knew they would be on the list?! WHO EFFING KNEW?!?!?!?!
This is a game by TaffSystem (a Korean Company doing this for the Tokyo Game Show) in which the main controller is the bent-over rectum of a decapitated body stuffed up an arcade machine. Choose from your ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, a gangster, your mother-in-law, a gold digger, a prostitute, a child molester, or a con artist. Once chosen, you ready your hand, hit the lard ass, and AAAAAAGGGH!!! AGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah, and you can also stick your fingers up their ass.
If the machine thinks you did a good job, it dispenses a plastic trophy of a turd. Good job!
Another terrific thing is the garbled Engrish on the flyer as follows:
"This is a fun game of spanking the peopple that make your life miserable. When you spank the character you choose to punish, the face expression of the character will change as they scream and twitch in pain. The funny face expressions will make people laugh and relieve the stress."
Gee, thanks Boon-ga Boon-ga! I love spanking PEOPPLE. It will make me laugh and relieve the stress.
18. Seaman
Ah, yes. The once-forgotten DreamCast game has since become a cult classic representative of the weirdness. You take the ownership of the disturbing "Seaman", a fish with a human face sewn on like a nightmarish Feejee Mermaid.
Worst of all, despite being forced to care for this hellish tuna, he takes every moment to mock you and treat you with the kind of respect you would get from a five year old. After weeks of annoyance and anger with having to deal with him, he engages in sex with another Seaman using their antennae, and then dies. Yes, the asshole you dealed with for weeks upon weeks of care just dies off. Screw you, Seaman.
17. Lovely Sweet Dreams
I've talked about LSD before Waaaaay back then, but if you need a refresher, it was a Japnese PS1 game released in 1998. The entire game was based upon the dreams kept in the dream journal of game designer Hiroko Nishikawa. However, may I take this moment to point out that the only way somebody could have these kinds of dreams is if they were addicted to LSD. Oh, wait....
The gameplay consists of aimless wandering. Expect empty spaces, headache-inducing colors, nightmarish figures, hanging people, and floating vaginas. Damn, Japan, you can be pretty effed-up. If that doesn't seem weird enough, it has music tracks with names such as Long Tall Eyelash, Fax Factory, Fried Banana, Schizophrenic Ragtime..... you get the point. In the end, it was over $250 well spent.....?
16. Kaboom! The Suicide Bombing Game
To be completely honest, this game is not exactly the most morbid or disgusting game on here, but it exists on this list for the sole purpose of how offensive it could be considered.
Uploaded to Newsgrounds in 2002 by a user named fabulous999, it came about when the creator read an article about suicide bombers; he made the game in a single evening. Now, having been played over 1.5 million times, it's gotten some attention.
You control an obese Muslim terrorist. Do nothing to walk, move your cursor over him to make him stop, and click to KA-BLAMMY! A small explosion of blood and amputated limbs flies in the air like a wimpy fireworks show. The premise is simple, the gameplay is simple; it's okay, but it's also bland.
I'm not against this name, but its existence has caused much controversy about gaming. The Jerusalem post sparked controversy, Israeli citizens were outraged, the Embassy of Israel in London was troubled, and it came across unpleasantly to people including David Walsh, Keith Vaz, John Whittingale, Nita Lowey, Ed Vaizey, and more people that are so famous that nobody's ever hear of them, all of this over a game made for fun. It was even reported to be found on the Anti-Semitic site Resistance Records which we definitely, definitely won't hear about again (nudges shoulder).
15. The Yakyuken Special
Censored because Jesus.
Oh, Japan. You've done it again.
Released on the Sega Saturn some distant time ago called the 1990s (shocking, right?), the game is based off of the Japanese game of Yakyuken, a variation of rock-paper-scissors where everytime you lose, you start to undress. All the while, you are singing to yourself "It's gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes." Oh, and the game consists of grown woman or teenagers taking off their close, accompanied by an animation of them gettin' jiggy wit it. (I won't say that again, I swear.) Oh yeah, and one more thing; THE GAME IS FUCKING HARD. Lose five times? Well, you're done for. The game is preferrably played with a glass filled with scotch so you can participate yourself without noticing your public shame. Finally, you can experience the life of a pervert without leaving your sex dungeon...?
14. Cho Aniki
 Before I talk about anything, I want you to look at that picture. Take a nice, long look.
.......
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Just a little bit longer....
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Okay then.
The game series of Cho Aniki is yet another of Japan's famous games. It's just your typical shooter, with some exceptions such as naked men, naked men, and more, uhh, naked men. Seen in the picture is a boss, happily erecting his phallic penis-man from his steel ball. His happy-fun magic steel ball. Well that's not weird at all. Oh, and did you catch what I said earlier? THIS GAME IS PART OF A SERIES. Furthermore, the series is still very much alive, with its most recent release being for the PSP in 2009. Even so, Japan is the part of the world where everything goes; if there is diet water, sticker to make it look like your eyes are open , a shopping bag that turns into the world's most defective safety helmet, pet emergency evacuation jackets..... than dammit, there can be a Cho Aniki every once in a while.
13. Phantasmagoria
Chances are you haven't heard of this game, or the word "Phantasmagoria" itself. Phantasmagoria means "a sequence of real or imaginary images like those seen in a dream", and damn, does this game live up to its completely inconvenient name.
The PC game was lovingly crafted by Roberta Williams in 1995; her past work included all of the King's Quest games. However, she decided to break away from her typical point-and-click roots and create a new, morbid point-and-click game, and I would be lying to say it's not creepy at all. You control Adrienne, and a bunch of weird story stuff happens that I didn't take note of, blah blah blah..... Oh yeah, and the death scenes are over-the-top looks into some kind of purgatory dimension. Expect a better explanation from Scarfhulu.
12. Imscared- A Pixelated Nightmare
Call me a pussy, but... didn't you already know that? I don't have to play this game to tell you it's quite disturbing.
Released as a downloadable game in 2012, it takes the form of an indie-horror game; you wander around a house with what I can only assume has no proper light fixtures, all the while being stalked by "White face", a creepy head that takes joy in scaring the hell out of you at every waking moment. Other than that, it's just another zany horror game.
So... how did it get it's massive cult following?
.......
The game's a virus. In other words, even when you aren't playing the game, you will receive cryptic messages and pop-up scares from beyond the game as if White face is actually watching you. The entire time. That's just discomforting.
11. GameBoy Camera
Geez, Nintendo somehow got on this list? Must have been an accident. It's not like there's anything creepy, right? it's just a toy for kids. There is definitely nothing that could scar someone for AGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!?!?!???!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Way back when Nintendo was making the Game Boy, the went a little crazy with the peripherals. Like, seriously crazy. They had the camera, the printer, the battery pack, and even some weird third-party accessories like Bandai's elusive Game Boy Pocket Sonar, which was used to catch fish. I also want to mention (even though it's for the GBA but it's too weird of an accessory to pass up) the GlucoBoy, and Australian add-on to monitor the user's blood level while playing video games.
The camera was released in 1998, and it housed the record for the smallest camera for years. However, because of its pathetic size, the camera kind of sucked. On the plus side, Ninty filled it up with all sorts of fun games and funny easter eggs. There was one, though, that was terrifying.
Just imagine you were like five, and you just bought one. You saw an option saying "Run" and you press it. At that moment, you are confronted with Satan himself, asking "What are you running from?" Dear God Nintendo; you make fun toys, but why do they have to have some of the most disturbing things I've ever seen in my life in them?
10. Carmageddon 
Oh man, look at that face. It's like he was just punched in the face but is somehow enjoying it. Oh yeeeah...
Carmageddon is a 1997 PC game where you are tasked with running over as many innocent bystanders as possible. This includes men, women, pedestrians, children, and old ladies. Of course, the game sparked much controversy at the time, leading to it being changed to zombies that explode into Nickelodeon Slime because I guess running over zombies is the best solution.


9. JFK: Reloaded
Released on November 22nd, 2004, the 41st anniversary of the JFK assassination in Dallas, JFK" Reloaded is a computer game created by the Scottish, because as we all know they are the most qualified to make American historical reenactments. Play Lee Harvey Oswald, the bastard who shot down Kennedy in a hotel. The objective is to shoot and kill the President as the presidential limousine rolls into view.
Perhaps the worst part of this game is that it was advertised as a "historical simulation" based on establishing what happened in the shooting. The characters were called "actors" because that obviously makes everything better.
Ted Kennedy, the President's surviving brother, stated the game was despicable, and Senator Joseph Lieberman called it sickening. It was even featured in an episode of Law and Order. You really start to wondr if the developers were just trolls or publicity whores.
8. Harvester
Who could possibly forget the classic point-and-click game Harvester?
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No? Doesn't ring a bell?
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Moving on.
Harvester was released in 1996 on the PC and DEAR LORD THAT IS A LOT OF BLOOD. Like, everywhere. It's like someone murdered the Kool-Aid Man and stuffed his carcass into the disk. The story is bland, so I'll just show you what the Wikipedia article says.
"If the player chooses to kill Stephanie, they are then shown a film sequence during which Steve BEATS STEPHANIE TO DEATH and then REMOVES HER BRAIN AND SPINAL CORD. After the murder is complete, Steve awakens within the virtual reality simulator and is taken to a taxi cab that is waiting outside, where he BRUTALLY MURDERS THE DRIVER. "
Well, isn't that just lovely.
7. Muslim Massacre: The Game of Modern Religious Genocide
Wow. That name is a dead giveaway. Hell, it's not just a dead one; it's a mutilated one beaten to death with a club and set on fire.
Muslim Massacre is a 2008 computer game developed by Eric Vaughn, former member of Something Awful. hey, I have to admit that Vaughn really lives up to his roots.The game is presented as a top-down shooter in which the goal is to brutally massacre ALL THE MUSLIMS on the screen. No, not just Al Qaeda, all the innocent citizens. Because logic.
Furthermore, the critical response was bonkers. TechRadar stated it was "vile, childish, tedious, and desperate to drum-up controversy." Political issues arose from the depths of hell. In response, the creator decided to remedy the situation calling it "fun and funny."
.....
Fuck you, man.
6. Super Columbine Massacre RPG!
The classic controversial game, perhaps one of the first and most famous. Created in 2005 by Danny Ledonne, who was inspired to make the game based on traumatic experiences of being bullied and the impact the shootings had on him.
You take control of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold with the task of killing a bunch of innocent people. There's also some fire. You know, just for good measures.
I would go on, but I think you get the gist of it. So... why was this game not at number one?
The creator has since tried to remedy the situation. He has become a video game spokesperson and made a documentary on the Columbine Massacre and his game entitled "Playing Columbine". All in all, he's not exactly a bad guy.
Nevertheless, the game has garnished quite an infamy. It even led to the possibly-worse game, V-Tech Rampage. Even so, there are worst games out there.
5. Stroker
Umm... So this game is Stroker...
The Commodore 64 game is rather unknown; it doesn't have a Wikipedia article and not many people talk about it, so I'm screwed. I'll just have to wing the discussion.
In the game, you take control of a hand with the task of caressing the world's longest damn penis. After a certain time limit, you are rated on your performance, ranging from Great to Rotten. Mind you that Great is a terrible score to get for the sole purpose of the fact that you just perfectly simulated a virtual penis. You must be soooo proud of yourself. Here's a medal. The engraving reads "#1 Pervert". Congrats.
4. Postal/Postal II/Postal III
The Postal series is a strange bunch. They take the form of an FPS, but with some peculiar changes. To pove the point, examine this picture. Do you see a butterfly? A demon, perhaps? Maybe a Muslim guy sliced in fucking half being urinated on? What about a dog?
The games are known for being banned in Australia and New Zealand for excessive and graphic violence, vomiting, urination, animal cruelty, and stereotypes. Footage of Postal II can even be seen in the Black Eyed Pea's music video Where is the Love at 1:37. It also received terrible ratings, so it doesn't even have that going for it.
To further rain on its parade, it was the subject of two terrible movies. The first one starred Zach Ward, famed for Christmas Story, which is sad in itself, but it also has an average of 7% on Rotten Tomatoe and has taken home a Razzie. You did good, guys.
3. RapeLay
Yet another Japan game. I tell you, they have a thing for virtual porn. Like, a serious problem. We should start a petition. "Stop Japan." Sounds good. You guys in?
This game from 2006 has you manipulating surroundings to get a sneak at these ladies' inflatable cleavage and 'dat panty. You are in charge of raping three girls because why the hell not? Sounds fun.
The game starts with you being arrested for getting frisky on the subway and groping some bodacious arse. One thing leads to another, and now you're a stalking bastard. That's not a bad idea at all. Surely nobody could be offended by this. There's simply no problem with a game in which you are tasked with raping innocent, young schoolgirls.
Oh yeah, and the endings are stupid. One is during a sexy "cowgirl position" in which you stab the shit out of your captive. The other is the more hilariously dumb; you impregnate one of the girls only to fall into the train tracks and be killed. Just another delightul reminder that having kids is the worst experience of lie and that the best course of action is to kill yourself. Ahhhh, Japan.
2. Ethnic Cleansing
Hey look, it's our good friends at Resistance Records again! (By the way, the company is connected to the National Alliance, or the fancy word for white nationalism and Anti-Semitism. Oh America.)
The game (released in 2002) has you controlling your choice of a Neo-Nazi or KKK Klansman running through a ghetto killing blacks and Latinos. Then, you go to a subway to kill Jews. Oh, and after that, you kill Ariel Sharon, the former Prime Minister of Israel.
Dammit, America. You're letting me down.
Oh, and there's also more in the series. In fact, the game is inspired by The Turner Diaries. Thinkk of it as the Bible for c*nts. (Oh fuck, I just said that.)
1. Manhunt/Manhunt 2
Damn, I'm like Jack Thompson over here.
To wrap up the list is a game by RockStar. Surprise! Usually, I'm okay with their games, but I feel that Manhunt is perhaps one of the most disgusting gorefests I've ever seen, and trust me, I've seen not many A LOT.
In the game, you are tasked with simply killing people in the most disgusting ways possible. You have a chainsaw? Sounds good to me. Circular saw? Cool. Plastic bag? Groovy.
The outrage was ridiculous. It's even been connected to the murder of Stefan Pakeerah, who was killed by his friend Warren LeBlanc who was obsessed with the game. Then there's Jack Thompson, who used his ignorant ass-powers to ban Manhunt 2. It didn't work, but he's still a douche. Just saying.

Anyway, this was one of the longest articles I've ever made. It took me over a week to type up and compile the research so I hope you enjoyed. Remember; I'm not against violence in video games, but I do believe that there should be some limitations. Also, little kids playing these games. I hate them.
Okay bye

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