Sunday, May 25, 2014

Personal List:Top Five Reasons the Virtual Boy was Awesome

Some way or another, the Virtual Boy practically oozes out of my blog. It's the laughingstock of the entire gaming community; it makes it's cousins the Pippin and Gizmodo look good for God's sake. Somehow, though, it has a strange charm to it; Nintendo has had many successes, but this remains one of the few blunders and is probably the worst in ol' Ninty's history.
As such, I decided to challenge myself in an attempt to make the Virtual Boy seem awesome.
This was a huge mistake.

It was 3-D!!!
Well, kind of. The Virtual Boy wasn't "true" 3-D, but in the eyes of any kid who grew up in the era, it probably seemed pretty "rad". Considering the '90s was a time where such ideas seemed like a fantasy (The time was struck with a peculiar idea of the future with hoverboards and flying cars and other shit.), this was quite the novelty.
From a consumer's standpoint, though, it probably wasn't as "gnarly" in real life. It pained your eyes and strained your neck, but the latter could be fixed with a nifty peripheral known as a neck brace.
It was Portable!!!
Well, not in the slightest.
During the time, Nintendo was showing off their success about the GameBoy, having sold millions of copies, and its creator, Gunpei Yokoi, decided to produce a last member to the family as a parting gift for Nintendo. (By the way, it seemed more like a "Screw you" than a parting gift, but whatever.) As such, it too was portable!.... Kind of.
Sure, it wasn't plugged up to your wall and TV, but the battery life was atrocious, so it essentially spent the whole time stuck in the wall anyway. Also, by "portability", it looks more like it's  trying to bite your face off.
How fun.
It had Mario on it!!!
Mario, being Nintendo's most valuable character, decided to show his mustachioed face on the Virtual Boy twice, in Mario Tennis and Mario Clash respectively. And when I say "respectively", I really mean "Oh Christ, this is a broken mess." They weren't bad, really, but thy were underwhelming. Nintendo has surprised us on many occassions; Mario as a doctor? Great game. Mario cleaning up grafitti on an island? Great game. Mario wearing a bumblebee suit? Amazing game. Mario wearing a cat suit? One of the best Mario games ever. Playing tennis with him in painful blood-red? Terrible game.
At least Mario Clash was slightly better, but it still isn't "passable" by any standards.
It helped Nintendo get back on track!
The financial loss of the Virtual Boy helped wake Nintendo up, and realize what made a game system truly amazing. The streak of success has held up amazingly with the DS, Wii, and 3DS, but unfortunately the Wii U fell flat. It may have took years, but Ninty finally made some consoles that practically printed money like a drunken copy machine.
It made *THIS* Happen!!!
What exactly is "this"? Nearly two decades after the red bombshell wandered onto store shelves, we can still have a good laugh about it. Ever since the Nintendo Direct on Tomodachi Life, the Virtual Boy took over the Helix Fossil as the divine entity. Hell, this was Nintendo- the company that created it- making self-referential humor their horrific blunder. That deserves some respect.
It may have been nineteen years, but the Virtual Boy remains one of the most beloved terrible consoles in gaming history.

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