Saturday, May 17, 2014

Guide to Japan: Eating Establishments

Because of the fact that I am going to Japan and China over summer break, I thought it would be interesting to make a miniseries of sorts. It will pretty much be written in the same style as my usual posts, but will be focused largely on, well, Japan.
That being said. Japan is a pretty weird place. One of the most obvious ways to find this is by looking at all the weird-as-hell restaurants that they have. If you thought we had weird restaurants in the states, just take a look at some of the fascinating eateries across Tokyo.
The Lock-up
So you just got to Japan. Naturally, the next course of action is to go to fake prison.
Japan and China are big on themed restaraunts, and surprise! The Lock-Up is actually pretty tame compared to others. Serve a life in jail while being served food. If that's not a recipe for success, than ah. What is?
Essentially, you are to eat dinner in a small room protected by bars because, you know, you're apparently a homicidal crazed criminal. Naturally, that means you are served by sexy police women.
Hey, I guess it's authentic enough! This is Japan! Everything goes.

Cannibalistic Sushi
Have you ever wanted to eat a person? Well Japan is definitely on your travel agenda.
Cannibalistic Sushi is just like it sounds. The servers bring you bodies fresh from the morgue to devour. Yum.
Actually, it's worse. The "chefs" create fully-edible naked bodies. (My perverted alarm is OFF THE CHARTS!) SO yes, you and your kids get to tear eat both the nipples and intestines of your delicious mold.
*Vomits in mouth a little*

Mr. Kanso
Okay, let's just take a break after that gargantuan nightmare. Mr. Kanso is less of a restaurant and more of a canned food emporium. Try food from all over the world, ranging from Spam and Campbell's Soup to walrus curry.
So that's a thing, apparently. Sure, caviar is fine. We can eat fish, we can eat bugs, we can eat effing guinea pigs in Peru. But walrus? Goo Goo G'Joob! That sounds terrible...... I'd totally eat it.

Ninja Akasaka
Ninjas. Fearless, silent, dangerous, and great at serving food. Apparently, the ninjas prepare your food because, you know, they're just really trustworthy. They also do magic tricks and play with fire. So that's a thing too.
In all actuality, though, this is freaking awesome. In a country where robot strip clubs are actually a thing, this is something that everybody can enjoy without the extreme disgust.

Alcatraz ER
Somehow getting ever creepier is Alcatraz ER, a combination of prison and a hospital from hell itself. Enjoy such weird foods as fake intestines whilst drinking from test tubes, all the while with mannequin heads watching you. All the while, "escaped prisoners" take opportunities to scare the shit out of you.
Fun for the whole family. Bring your kids!

Cat Cafes. All of them.
In perhaps the most awkwardly adorable transition ever, AWW, WITTLE KITTIES! For ten bucks an hour, enjoy coffee or tea with cats. It's cute, it's relaxed, and it's just freaking adorable.
Of course, my favorite is Cat Cafe Nekokaigi, but mostly just because of the English Translations on their website with such eloquent descriptions as:
"Care has been a cat punch well from weak girl."
"It is played the baby's get on the knee."
"Face baby face is a characteristic."

"I is called 'milk sister' from the audience."
"I is called 'chatter prince' in personality scared. That you are in a high place the shadows are many, but it graces the regulars."
"Your face, such as the fox that was a zing is characterized."
I realize this is not what you came for. You wanted some random something-or-another about video games. Thankfully, Japan, being home to Nintendo, Capcom, Square Enix, and others has just the fix you need.
Capcom Bar

Have you ever heard of "food porn?" Because that's basically what Capcom Bar is.
Serving up food inspired by franchises such as Ace Attorney, Street Fighter, and Resident Evil. You can even get a delectable brain cake, which is unfortunately not actually made of brain. You win some, you lose some.

Maidreamin's Digitized Cafe and Dining Bar
While not endorsed by Nintendo, the visual appeal is blantantly obvious. Blocks hang from the ceiling, and the servers occasionally jump up and hit the blocks.
Speaking of the servers, though, this is one of Japan's notorious "maid cafes". That means you are served by an overly-enthusiastic waitress dressed like a French maid, so don't tell the creepy guy at the office about it.

Luida's Bar
Ever wanted to be served one of those adorable Slimes from Dragon Quest? Well this is the place for you!
Commemorating the release of DQIX, Luida's Bar was created. (By the way, Luida is Patty in the English games.) Aside from the costumed waitresses serving you heart-meltingly cute snacks, it's also supposed to be great for canvassing guests.

Square Enix made themselves another cafe. Order Sqaure Enix-themed coffee, pancakes, and snacks, but don't forget to pick up your own little King Slime stuffed animal on the way out. Maybe you could even try to nab an elusive King Metal Slime, but be careful that the bastard doesn't flee.

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