Thursday, April 3, 2014

Video Game Characters IRL: Tails "Miles" Prower

Am I late again?..... Really? Damn, I suck at this.

Yes, we all know that Tails is probably the best Sonic character. He's also the one that didn't get as screwed over with the new announced TV series. Clearly, he's the fan favorite. A nice counter to the narcissistic
hedgehog, obsessed Amy, and... whatever the hell is going on with Knuckles. Let it also be said that he's effing adorable.
Even so, no character is without a sin*. *May or may not be ripped off a beloved Youtube show. As such, I have tasked myself with unearthing how our cuddly mutant squirrel would be if he decided to move over here. And just a little heads up, this might get a little discomforting.
First off, what exactly is Tails supposed to be? According to our trusted friend Wikipedia, he's a fox. Even so, he appears to say a little more than "Ring-ding-ding." And "Ahee-ahee-aheeee". In terms of appearance, I liken him to that of a squirrel who took a bath a little too close to the Chemical Plant Zone, which would evidently explain his suspiciously odd tail. Either that, or he was a test subject at some laboratory dedicated to genetically-modify rodents.
So.... yeah.
Anyway, let's take a look at the chart:

The first real problem I have with him is his face. Is it cute? Duh. But why is it so long? His head-to-body ratio is that of a bobblehead, and it's a surprise he can hold up his head instead of it falling off. He also appears to have a half-finished Mohawk going on and white frosting covering his mouth. Yummy.
And when he talks? I know he's supposed to be nine years old, but..... wait.... NINE? Nein! I refuse to accept that! He's like 22 years old in terms of how long he's been in existence. And let's not forget his vocal cords, attune to that of a six-year old schoolgirl. As much as I love him, I think we should send him a new set of vocal cords.
Also, much like all other Sonic characters, his limbs have the consistency of linguini noodles. I can seriously picture him walking around like Spongebob, flailing his arms silly.
His shoes are also abnormally out of proportion. They are practically as big as the shoes of an astronaut's get-up and probably weigh as much as an elephant. The verdict? He'd fall through the floor of my house.
Now, if we were to insert him into real life, he'd probably be the "Best friend" type. Y'know, that generic type of person in all of those cheesy romantic comedies from the '80s? Direct carbon copy. He's pretty outgoing, cute, and effing smart. He can build big-as-hell robots for God's sake. However, he would also face restrictions. These include the aforementioned elephant shoes, being trapped in furry conventions, and regarding physics, he couldn't fly. Also, he'd probably end up as a delightful pile of roadkill eventually.
In the meantime, though, he's Matthew-approved.



  1. Idiot... Fucking idiot... You just see the bad things in the Sonic franchise...

    1. And you can just say the bad things... Idiot...