Monday, March 31, 2014

"Splashy Fish" Review

Hello! As I said earlier, I am great with timing. If I give a date, I mean it; that's the deadline, period.
Oh, hell. I'm late again, aren't I?
Anyway, because this is belated, I'm going to try to do the one that was supposed to be done today tommorow, which is going to be, err. exciting? Hopefully the quality is still there, I don't know. I couldn't update a couple days ago because I was on "vacation", so for the love of God, let this pass just this one time.
Splashy Fish is one of the thousands of responses to the removal of Flappy Bird. If you are unfamiliar with that, (who the heck are you?) let me hive a rundown, thirty second explanation for you:
"Flappy Bird was a free app which I can only assume was a cult classic. Prior to its removal from the app store, it was a game in which you controlled perhaps the most shitty bird in the universe, tapping to avoid pipes and plummet towards the ground like an anvil in a cartoon. Even the slightest touch will send our 'hero' plummeting to the ground to an untimely demise. The game was removed because of the creator's assumed 'hate mail', which is just a way of getting publicity because he was practically making more than the president of the US in like ten minutes."
As such, many copycats took the chance to make the big money with parodies of the game. They ranged from practically the exact same to ones with slight palette changes, such as the horrifying-as-all-hell "Wrecking Ball" Miley Cyrus Flappy Bird. Among these titles was Splashy Fish, heralded by fans as the most accurate to the original because of physics. Me, never have played the original, assumed this was true and bought the game, so now I guess it's time for the reviewing. Um, yay?
There's not a story, so I guess it's time for my Shakespearean writing magic to kick in:
"It was the day of the tournament. Jerry was thrown into the ocean, bereft of skills as he swam between the dreaded pipes, the objects that would lead to his murder. His fins were broken, and he struggled to move across the seemingly endless hell he was thrust into, praying to the fish gods that it would soon end."
Thank you, I'd like to accept my Newberry Medal now.
The gameplay consists of tapping our hero to avoid pipes. That's it. I would make a joke, but the only way to make this game explainable is with itself. It's just that, okay? 
Length: 5/10. Like other "endless games", there is no accurate measurement of length. All that exists is the endless marathon of our aquatic athlete, waiting to die in the hands of his obstacles. 
Difficulty: 5/10. Difficulty? I laugh at you. There is no difficulty. Cry in the corner of your room, cry as the lies of the thousands have told you, time and time again, of the horrors of this game, and I shall laugh at your despair!
Really, though, I don't get why everybody thinks this game is hard, let alone frustrating. Maybe it's the pressure, I don't know. The main problem is the physics, which in real life would cause all of us to become human pancakes. The gravity is freaking intense. Either way, though, it's really nor hard. Tap here, tap there, conglaturations, a winner is you, this story is happy end, you WIN.
Story: 0/10. No story. I guess you could consider my beautiful, award-winning dramatic reading, though.
Characters: 2/10. So there's a fish...... That's it.
Graphics: 8/10. While I may not agree with everything else about the game, I'm a sucker for those classic pixels. While the graphics might as well be a copy-and-paste rip-off of Mario games, darn do I love them.                                   Music: 0/10. While I would usually give games a N/A for not having music, Splashy Fish could've at least done something. I get it; they followed the footsteps of Flappy Bird, which had no music, but the silence with the occasional "blub blub" and "pyeeeeo" when you lose.... it's just too empty.                              Fun: 7/10. Despite my angry review of this game, I have to admit that it's pretty fun. Yes, there is no reward, and yes, it can be quite monotonous, but it has that undeniable charm; it throws you into the game wih no hesitation, and when you lose you get no punishment. It's just straightforward, even more so than a Mario or NES game.
In conclusion, the game is fun, but don't expect much from it. It's basic, it's mediocre, it gets a 27 out of 80 or 33.75% out of 100. (I'll start doing that from now on to spare the eyesore of "blah out of 80".)

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