Sunday, March 16, 2014

"Me Want Bamboo 2" Review

Lately, I've been messing around with my iPod Touch. Don't get me wrong, Nintendo tops iOS devices everyday (by the way, tell this asshole I said he's a complete imbecile.), but the iPT (I'll just call it that; it's a lot easier to type..) allows for pictures. Being a person unarmed with video game recording equipment, I often use images online, but the iPT allows you to take snapshots and easily download them onto your computer. THAT'S AWESOME. Anyway, we should, oh, I don't know, start talking about this game.
The iPT has an ever-expanding library of games. Some are amazing, some are infuriating, some are, err, terrible. Among them are basic yet addictive titles; the ever-so-popular Temple Run and click-a-thon Cookie Clicker.
Anyway, the game serves as a two-dimensional endless runner. You take control of a panda who is determined to.... actually, I don't know! The game has less of a story than Temple Run; you aren't Indiana Jones-ing, your'e just kind of running forward. Along the way you can collect power-ups, such as the bubble (which grants you invincibility until you are hit by an enemy), the fat panda (tentative title; it makes the panda bigger than Jigglypuff in SSBB), the binoculars (which zooms out the screen), Save Me Bamboo (which does, as it states, save you), and good ol' bamboo. These regular chutes give the panda in question a, umm, fart rocket?
You get a bunch of levels to choose from; you start with a post-apocalyptic, floating Great Wall of China an can pay to unlock a canyon, city, savanna, etc. You get an array of characters; you start with a bland panda and are given the choice of others with aesthetic and/or strengths/weaknesses. The best is General Tso; not only does he got the armor that brings all the girls to the yard (yeah right, it's better than yours; damn right, it's better than yours), but he's also completely invulnerable. He has the audacity to walk into a freaking elephant without a second thought. Respect.
The goal is to beat your score, get coins, buy stuff, get gems, buy more stuff, and compete with others worldwide for a top score of the week. It doesn't get anymore complicated than that. Really.
Let's dive into the scoreboard, shall we?

Gameplay: 8/10. Everything is really straightforward. Yet somehow it holds up; it's addictive. You can play it for anywhere from five minutes while taking a jizz (though that's kinda icky) to twenty minutes on the couch.
Length: 7/10. It's hard to say a longevity for Me Want Bamboo 2. On one hand, it is really shallow and short, but on the other it's completely infinite. I have to agree with the latter; like Temple Run (I said that a lot, didn't I?), it never ends until you die, so it's on you if the round was to short.
Difficulty: 7/10. It starts off pretty easy; jump here, jump there, avoid this, get that. But it gets progressively harder as you pass the 50,000 mark. The solid ground gets narrower/shorter and you will probably spend more time with your fart rocket than grounded. It gets more challenging yet also frantic and fun.
Story: Not applicable. It has no story and shouldn't be judged on that.
Characters: 7/10. The character selection is pretty small but also fun to mess with. Again, General Tso is the obvious best, but Bruce can do triple jumps and those other guys.... well I guess they are okay as well, I don't use them.
Graphics: 8/10. Like most games in the game market, the graphics are clean-cut and eye candy. That's not to say they are on Super Mario 3D World level of freaking awesome, but the pixel count is hardly noticeable unless you thought it was a good idea to shove it next to your eye with Gorilla Glue.
Music: Music?! Who the hell plays an app for the music?
Fun: 10/10. The game is just a blast to play. It's addictive I daresay more-so than Candy Crush. Sure, I've never played Candy Crush and it looks, well, really freaking stupid, but this is a game that I play every time my iPT is in my hands.

Excluding any non-applicable score parts, the game gets a 47 out of 60.  It's one of the best apps available, and it's completely free, so I recommend you go get it. Like right now.

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