Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Video Game Characters IRL

Welcome to the Ordinary Gamer channel, where common updates are close to non-existent. Today, I want to take a look at something hat many people think about: What would happen if video game characters were actually existent. Seriously, how awesome would it be to go to Subway and see Bowser chomping down on a hoagie? Also, what the heck is a hoagie? (Dear New England, why do you say thins like this?!)
Lately, I've been thinking about the whole concept, and I would like the first character I address to be Funky Kong. Does it have to do with the newly-released Donkey Kong: Tropical Freeze? No, but I guess its a happy coincidence. So let's go and dissect this ape, shall we?
Yes, we know he's a monkey. But considering that he's probably pretty smart, it's a fair assumption he probably won't throw his crap a us like, well, the dimwitted Dnkey Kong. He even has the decency to wear some clothes! Golly, even Sonic hasn't caught up to his fashion sense yet.
Going from the head down, we can get a pretty good idea of what kind of style he's going for. First is a bandanna. There's not much to be said, but it has dots, which makes it all the more important. Next, he has completely pimped-out shades for getting the ladies. Speaking of which, he needs the ladies to fall for the glasses, because with those kinds of hairy biceps, he must have armpit odors so bad that even Speedsticks can't do any good. 
His shirt is surprisingly clean, perhaps implying that he has pretty good laundry detergent. For God's sake, it's so bright it's like looking at the Sun. He also has pants, which he fashioned into cut-up shorts. I would call this off as sloppy, but look at those perfect tears. On top of all that (or rather, on the bottom of all that) are his toes. Oh, dear God, his toes. It's like the hands from "Hamsterz Life" pasted on to his feet. I even took the liberty of illustrating the graphics as beautifully as possible.
See? Their totally identical. (I guess this is what happens when you can't find any Youtube footage.)

In real life, we would associate this kind o wardrobe with some frat guy who's high. He'd pretty much be the real-life equivalent as a college roommate smoking marijuana. It's uncanny. He's dressed like he couldn't care less, and his muscles are beefed up like a hit man. He clearly would get in gang-fights by day and be that creepy roommate who watches "Family Feud" whilst going through some joints by night. To further dampen the situation, he has bongos. If you had to share a dorm with this guy, you'd better be prepared for bongo-playing at midnight, and on top of the risk of dying of second-hand smoke, the guy must smell pretty awful. He literally has hairs all over his body, and he's the kind of guy who goes to the gym to life some weights or something. The guy has to smell worse than a month old lasagna. 

.... And that's about it. If you see this monkey, just walk away slowly.

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