Friday, December 13, 2013

Well, That Was a Weird Game (I)

Welcome to my monthly article. I decided to devote a post to some small games you may or may not have heard of. I had an epiphany: it involved waffles dancing with sugarplums...... something to do with reviews? Oh, yes. I've written my fair share of really short articles, so I want to start doing a big fat compilation of mini-reviews. Alright: here we go!

Don't Sh*t Your Pants!
I'm sure you've played Zork. A classic and iconic text-based game set to re-explore the definitive meaning of what a game was.
Well, screw all that! This game takes a turn for the toilet in which you control a balding forty-something who..... How should I put this delicately.... Needs to take a sh*t. The game is short and fairly perplexing, though trust me, you feel pretty stupid when you find out the solution. As such, I give it a 7.5: It's interesting, but when you play it once, that's about it.
Coign of Vantage
This unique little game pays homage to pixelated sprites. In this puzzle game, you move the mouse cursor to make all the different-dimensional sprites merge together to form an image. this one, for example, would produce a cat. As simple as it sounds, it's pretty challenging but also really fun. This is a game for  your leisurely breaks as the piano music serenades you. It's especially helpful to deal with the stress of not figuring out how to make our aforementioned man how to defecate. As such, this game deserves an 8.7: Simple yet challenging.

Ana Somnia
Time to turn out the lights! I don't really want to call this a game as much as an experience; you get immersed into a dream-like state when the lights go out and Ana's imagination goes wild. It increasingly gets more grotesque but more curious. The new mechanic of light makes this an interesting experience worth playing. Due to this, I give it a 9.4; beautifully created illustrations and surreal imagery truly make this a masterpiece.



NES Music Quiz/ SNES Music Quiz
Did you hear that sound? Because its the sound of some classic, memorable video game music. Unfortunately, because I was born with a Gameboy, I don't know the majority of these. Either way, this is a good game for the old-school gamer and music adorer. I give it an 8.0: Its difficulty can vary, but it's more nostalgia-inducing than particularly strong.





There are many more, of course. Leave a suggestion maybe? See you next time.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Totally Random List Time! 12/8/13

You know, Halloween is coming up. Get ready to have a bunch of annoying little kids knocking on your doors and stealing candy from you. Okay, maybe not annoying, but demanding. Yeah, that's a better word. So,  I decided to bring back from the dead the Creepy Guys in Video Games issue. Of course, I need new material, and fortunately, people love having horrifying monstrosities in games, so here we go.

Now, on the original issue, I may have written it in red. You know, like blood. But I'm tring to go for even scarier. So this time....
PINK.
(Oh yeah, and this issue is really late. Oops.)
(Oh yeah; and this issue is really short. Oops.)

Sonic the Hedgehog:
Before the fanboys come charging at me with no mercy and bludgeon me to death, need I remind you Sonic CD? The hidden message? Actually, there's a lot. We have Car Tails, Batman Sonic, DJ Eggman, and Sonic-with-creepy-glaze among others, respectively. But the creepiest? Dali Sonic. When entering a certain password on the sound test area, you will witness a screen with horrifying Sonics and a message signed "The Devil". I don't know what the intentions were, besides to get us to Jizz in our pants

Tingle:
Tingle isn't exactly scary. He's just...... disturbing. Not only does he have the whole green jumpsuit thing going on with him, but Kooloo-Limpa? What does that even mean? What is he hiding? TELL ME NOW TINGLE OR I SWEAR I'LL CUT YOU. Okay, that escalated quickly.
The point is, Tingle isn't creepy in regard to general scariness, it's just that he's so weird and disturbing.









Dark Shadow Guy from LSD
Oh, Japan. You guys make such unusual games. One such example is LSD. And before you go crazy, need I remind you it's an acronym for "Lovely, Sweet Dreams". Which is ironic, because the game is anything but. You are doomed to travel through a bizarre and uncomfortable world. Apparently, someone kept a "dream journal" and compiled the information into a game. And judging by the murderous teddy bears, women hanging, and spasm-ing vaginas, I don't think I want to meet the creator. But the guy who steals the cake? Mr. Black Suit or something. I don't know his name, but there's something oddly awkward about his presence  Here we are in a psychedelic hell, and there's just this normal guy walking around like he doesn't give a s%^t or something. The only reason he's creepy is because he sticks out like a sore thumb.



The Beginning of the End: Pac-Man

So many video game franchises exist. Mario, Sonic, Kirby, The Legend of Zelda. But so many have disappeared into the darkness. Chrono Trigger, for example.
But what happened? Here, I shall ask these questions to the franchises that are long dead or just dead to me. Let us begin.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Pac-Man
"Oh, what are you talking about? This stuff keeps coming out. It's not dying, you're just stupid!"
-Pac-Man believers everywhere.
But with all seriousness, Pac-Man is one of the most iconic video games in history. You pop the game into tour Atari. That oh so sweet jingle. The sound of Pac-Man's mouth opening and closing, opening and closing. (Waku-waku-waku-waku.) Such a simple game, yet oh so addictive. But what happened?

The original game was a work of art. But wait- there's more! (Billie Mays says that, actually.) To follow up the insane arcade hit came a new game. Mrs. Pac-Man in 1982. Was it successful is hard to tell. The game is hardly noteworthy and almost entirely the same thing, so I'll continue.
The arcade games were all the same, all iconic in their own right, and all ushered in a new generation of games. But the franchise didn't just stop there. Rather than just take it's place on greatest franchises in history, he decided he should take the next step. Pac-Attack.
Imagine Doctor Mario. Now slap Pac-Man on it. That's pretty much it (according to the Wikipedia article, and you know, their always trustworthy). In reality, though, it's more like Tetris; falling blocks. It's addictive, sure, but that's only because Tetris is so addictive. That being said, the game just didn't seem so worthwhile. But what could happen next?
Enter Pac-Man 2: The New Adventure. In this game, we get amazing objectives, such as buying flowers. ACTION PACKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But jokes aside, the game was a huge departure from the gameplay we knew to love.
We meet the mundane life of Pac-Man as he acts like a complete ass. He has become the master of jack-assory, a God of annoyance. Well it was received positively, this only signified the turn for the worse of poor old Pac-Man.
Pac-In-Time soon followed. A God of early sidescrolling, the Pac-Man just came up to our TV screen and said, "I'm all gone. Here's some generic garbage."

I'm just gonna go to what we've all been thinking: Pac. Man. Party. Oh, good heavens no. A generic and horrible hybrid of Mario Party and Monopoly, it just managed to be slightly better than Sonic Shuffle.
And it just goes downhill from here. What will happen next? Who knows? But one thing is for certain; Pac-man should've just ended his bandwagon ten years ago.

Eulogy of the Shiny Graveler

We all joke about self-destructing Pokemon. Expecially shinies, because, well, it makes it much more painful to bare witness to.
And this event has happened to me.For the second time.
Go back about five years to the release of Diamond and Pearl. naturally, I chose Pearl, and after a long journey, I was in Victory Road. i tried to catch him, but he gave in. Releasing all his power, he annihilated himself. Oh, sweet Graveler. Two times shall you be missed.


P.S.: I f*cking hate you. Why you blow up?!

Apologies and Crap

Sorry, for the few people who actually go to this site.I've been surprisingly busy lately. Hopefully when winter break arrives, I'll be able to post a butt-load of stuff.
Also, for the Thingy-of-the-Year awards, I'm going to have to wait for the year to end. So much beautiful crap comes around every single day, so we'll just have to wait out. In the meantime, here's some delightful elevator music:

(I finally figured out how to insert videos..... I'm such a noob.)